hey all 2 or 3 of you that read these posts of mine.
so life has (i believe) reached peak strangeness level. i live in a state of crippling levels of stress and yet keep going, inexplicably i don't want to die which is a good thing although baffling to me at this time.
I used to be a very sexual person, often bordering on and crossing inappropriate, and that was me for as long as i can remember. These days I don't think about sex much at all. I guess realizing, REALLY realizing and admitting to myself that I was molested will have some side effects. TBH i don't really miss the constant want for sex. it has simplified things in my life somewhat. It has the excellent side effect of removing a lot of my feelings of jealousy about J and M. That is VERY nice haha
Seriously though, it sucks to now see my entire sexual history in a different light now. I don't feel good about it at all any more. I feel gross. I feel like I allowed myself to be used like a plaything for more people than I can count. I feel used and dirty. I spent most of my life telling myself that it didn't matter. Apparently I'm a big fat lying liar. I'm not lying to myself any more about that.
I've been raped more than once (that I remember) as an adult. I was raped by a woman years ago. I never realized that until a few weeks ago. I never recognized it as rape. I was hanging out with this gal and fooled around a bit that day.... then i washed down 3 valium with a 6 pack that night and blacked out and the next morning my roomies are snickering and asking "how was the spandex enormity?" and a mutual friend of ours informs me that he walked in on my friend riding me and i know for a fact i was blacked right the fuck out at the time and it's hitting me that there is no fucking way i could consent to anything there and all these years i've been laughing it off like haha see? i can even fuck in my sleep! but i'm not laughing any more I feel disgusting.
so i haven't spoken to my dad in 4 years now. i just sent him a message a couple of weeks ago because i'd heard he's in really poor health now and yeah. this is what i said:
"Hi dad. I've wanted to talk for quite some time but hadn't yet because quite frankly I feel a great deal of resentments bordering on hate toward you still and much as I've missed you every day these past few years, I don't know how to look upon you and have you in my life when all I see is all the horrific mistakes you've made throughout my entire life.
That being said, the lack of an easy answer or any answer at all isn't enough of a reason to put off contacting you any more. I know your health has only worsened over the past few years and I don't want to have another parent die with everything unresolved if I can help it.
I didn't do this to punish you I did it to protect me. I hope you understand how hard it was for me to walk away from you. You are a great many things to me, but first and foremost you are my father and i love you and always have. If I could have stopped I would have because these last few years killed me inside.
If you're willing to talk and listen I hope in time we can be friends again."
He hasn't responded. I didn't expect he would.
I had a job again for almost 2 months and lost it already. I don't recall ever being so unwell in my life. That being said, yes it sucks horribly that I'm back to not making money again and i feel like shit about that BUT I do get to see my kids all the time again.
Also, this absence of interest in sex has made it possible for me and J to become really close friends again like we used to be. I can't understate how much of a support she has been for me as of late since the Really Bad Shit surfaced in therapy. I'm gobsmacked by how much I've been through in my life. I've been minimizing everything habitually going all the way back. I should be a fucking serial killer I no longer wonder why I've hated people so much in my life. Every single major figure in my life growing up abused me. My father terrorized us with his violence. My mother was controlling and grew increasingly violent until her death when i was 18. my mothers next relationship after my father was with a man who molested me and probably my sister too. my mother remarried when i was 11 or 12. that guy adopted me and my sister. after my mom died he decided he wanted to move on without us pretty much. he met another woman and we didn't find out until a year after our moms death cos his new gf tracked us down. he pretty well just moved on and left us behind. between my mom and both my dads any wonder i have panic inducing abandonment issues.
never mind all the trauma i've inflicted on myself with drugs and bad living and poor decision making. never mind being raped multiple times.
i'm just so tired from it all. carrying all this pain and rage. all the anger. all of it. it's made me violent and bitter and mean. i've hurt the people i love again and again and again. I can't do this any more.