So yesterday me and J talked a bunch and I learned a great deal about why M is so important/special to her that I didn't know and well, the major downside to all this new information is that I now know that a) I have never been as good a person as him and b) that I will never feel good enough for her again. I will never feel good enough for her again.
Needless to say, I'm terrified at the thought of the rest of my life now knowing that the only person I want to be with is no one I'll ever get to be with again because I'll never be good enough. Why would she want to settle for me when she's got someone better than I've ever been? Someone better than I could ever be. I'm shit. I'm insecure and abusive and shitty and mean and selfish, and broken and irresponsible and immature and care more about her than my own kids and care about all the wrong things and do everything wrong always cos i'm shit garbage filth a waste of air and space and i fucking hate me so fucking much i want to fucking die