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Greetings from the fishbowl...
Life, love, liberty and libation
2nd-Jun-2015 10:34 am
It's mad day for me here. I'm pissed. I think I'm getting closer and closer to tearing her head off over the whole "making my relationship with M FB official barely a month and a half after we ended our 11 FUCKING YEAR RELATIONSHIP"

Only took a month or so. I usually bottle shit like this up and let it fester for SO much longer than this. I know for a fact that I basically gave her a pass on it because she had a great explanation and me being a doormat, i prioritized her feelings over mine and yeah. That's how it goes for me. Except I really don't feel like ignoring this any more.

IT WAS REALLY FUCKING SHITTY OF HER TO DO THAT. Either way she's shitty. Either she didn't think it through before doing it in terms of how it might/probably will impact me, or she did and decided to do it anyways. Either way she's shitty for it.

I was already drowning in grief and barely beginning to come to terms with the fact that we were over and she goes and publicly legitimizes a relationship that up until a month prior to her visit in april, she had been downplaying pretty well from the get go. Naturally it was a shock and in terms of impact, it took unbearable amounts of grief and added on constant jealousy and other shit on top of that. I can no longer function at all without compartmentalizing constantly and i'm sick of this shit.

Thing that makes this beyond difficult is that obviously I still love her, and want us to be friends if nothing else, and i don't know how to bring this to her. She won't take it well I don't imagine. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. Also, she does nice shit for me all the time and I've tried to focus on that and tell myself that it all balances out but the fact being is the stress that one decision she made added to my life is ridiculous. It's all the time. I'm constantly dealing with the impact. I don't know what to do. it's not like she can just nix the relationship status on fb it's too late for that. Also, I'm really hurt and mad because of that and well, I'm just not all that nice when I'm hurt and angry. So I don't want to have this convo with her because this'll be hard enough to bring to her without the fact that i don't trust i won't say shit wrong or that i regret after.

I hate my life so fucking much right now.

Advice folks? sabotabby, sushidog, gaspandkiss
2nd-Jun-2015 04:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much Hester. I see what you're saying and yeah, I really struggle with differentiating between "my shit" and "her shit" or as you put it, our individual monkeys. Yeah it's easy for me to infer what was (or wasn't) going on with her that led her to make that particular decision. I'm glad I'm venting here, because yeah, speculating on her motivations is a problem, and always creates drama, anger and friction between us whenever i voice things like that to her.

The bottom line is that that particular choice of hers has had a HUGE impact on my life, has in fact made it more difficult than it already was, and it's really hard not to feel resentful about it because FUCK life is impossible right now. I'm tired of having to navigate the jealousy and shit like this on top of the constant grief. No amount of nice shit she can do for me makes up for this because I'm dealing with it every single day and sorry in this instance would be meaningless to me because what good is it? It wouldn't make anything better in the least. I'm still going to be dealing with this for a long time to come yet and that added stress isn't anything I can just pack up and ignore any more.
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