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Life, love, liberty and libation
2nd-Jun-2015 10:34 am
It's mad day for me here. I'm pissed. I think I'm getting closer and closer to tearing her head off over the whole "making my relationship with M FB official barely a month and a half after we ended our 11 FUCKING YEAR RELATIONSHIP"

Only took a month or so. I usually bottle shit like this up and let it fester for SO much longer than this. I know for a fact that I basically gave her a pass on it because she had a great explanation and me being a doormat, i prioritized her feelings over mine and yeah. That's how it goes for me. Except I really don't feel like ignoring this any more.

IT WAS REALLY FUCKING SHITTY OF HER TO DO THAT. Either way she's shitty. Either she didn't think it through before doing it in terms of how it might/probably will impact me, or she did and decided to do it anyways. Either way she's shitty for it.

I was already drowning in grief and barely beginning to come to terms with the fact that we were over and she goes and publicly legitimizes a relationship that up until a month prior to her visit in april, she had been downplaying pretty well from the get go. Naturally it was a shock and in terms of impact, it took unbearable amounts of grief and added on constant jealousy and other shit on top of that. I can no longer function at all without compartmentalizing constantly and i'm sick of this shit.

Thing that makes this beyond difficult is that obviously I still love her, and want us to be friends if nothing else, and i don't know how to bring this to her. She won't take it well I don't imagine. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. Also, she does nice shit for me all the time and I've tried to focus on that and tell myself that it all balances out but the fact being is the stress that one decision she made added to my life is ridiculous. It's all the time. I'm constantly dealing with the impact. I don't know what to do. it's not like she can just nix the relationship status on fb it's too late for that. Also, I'm really hurt and mad because of that and well, I'm just not all that nice when I'm hurt and angry. So I don't want to have this convo with her because this'll be hard enough to bring to her without the fact that i don't trust i won't say shit wrong or that i regret after.

I hate my life so fucking much right now.

Advice folks? sabotabby, sushidog, gaspandkiss
2nd-Jun-2015 03:09 pm (UTC)
Oh hon, I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now.
In terms of advice, it may be worth looking back to a post you made a little while ago, here. It sounds as though you're in kind of a similar place in some ways, projecting onto J a bit, in a way which isn't very healthy for you, because the reasoning comes from pain and depression but dresses itself up as logic, which can be pretty toxic.

On the positive side, I think you're further on from where you were then; you recognise that talking to J about how you feel may not be productive right now, and that you might say things you would later regret. I know it may not feel like it, but that's real progress!

Maybe one place to start working through all this is figuring out the balance between prioritising your feelings and your self-care, and therefore not being a doormat, and treating her unfairly or dumping your stuff onto her. You need to protect yourself and find a way to get through this whole situation, and that's going to mean acknowledging the things that hurt you and make your process harder, but I know that at the same time, you don't want to slip back into assuming that she should be putting your feelings above her own. Instead, you need to figure out which bits belong to you and are your responsibility, and which bits belong to her and are hers.

I can't remember if I've told you this before, but one thing my counsellor talked to me about, which revolutionised my life, is this;
everyone has their emotional stuff, their feelings and their reactions and their decisions to make, all the emotional work and baggage that we each deal with on a daily basis. We can imagine each of those things as a monkey.Generally, we can just about manage to corral our own monkeys, although sometimes they can get kind of unruly and it gets difficult. But sometimes we end up taking on other people's monkeys too; we get frozen up thinking about how other people might respond to every little decision we make (that was always my problem; I couldn't look after myself because what would other people think of me?), or we start mind-reading, trying to figure out the exact emotional pathways of other people's decisions (which I think is what you're doing at the moment), or feeling responsible for getting them to do The Right Thing. When we do that, we end up covered in monkeys, and it becomes impossible to function. So sooner or later, we have to learn to distinguish between our own monkeys and other people's, and most importantly, we have to be able to say "No, that one is not my monkey, and I'm not going to carry it."

That doesn't mean being completely uncaring about other people, or behaving in ways which are deliberately callous; it's just about recognising which bits are yours to deal with, and which bits are not. But I've found it an enormously useful way of looking at the world; it really helped me a lot.
(Apparently there is, I think, a Russian saying, "Not my circus, not my monkeys", which basically means "Not my problem"; that may well be where this comes from!)

Anyway, I don't know if that helps at all, but hang on in there. I know it's shitty and it hurts right now, but I also know that you are genuinely working hard to change things for the better, and I'm proud of you for that. Keep writing, and keep drawing, and keep on keeping on. It will get better.
2nd-Jun-2015 04:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much Hester. I see what you're saying and yeah, I really struggle with differentiating between "my shit" and "her shit" or as you put it, our individual monkeys. Yeah it's easy for me to infer what was (or wasn't) going on with her that led her to make that particular decision. I'm glad I'm venting here, because yeah, speculating on her motivations is a problem, and always creates drama, anger and friction between us whenever i voice things like that to her.

The bottom line is that that particular choice of hers has had a HUGE impact on my life, has in fact made it more difficult than it already was, and it's really hard not to feel resentful about it because FUCK life is impossible right now. I'm tired of having to navigate the jealousy and shit like this on top of the constant grief. No amount of nice shit she can do for me makes up for this because I'm dealing with it every single day and sorry in this instance would be meaningless to me because what good is it? It wouldn't make anything better in the least. I'm still going to be dealing with this for a long time to come yet and that added stress isn't anything I can just pack up and ignore any more.
2nd-Jun-2015 04:57 pm (UTC)
sushidog is a genius, all of this is really good and sound advice. I don't have anything to add! xxx
2nd-Jun-2015 09:37 pm (UTC)
I third sushidog's advice. sushidog is a smart.

It's, objectively, a shitty thing to do. Inconsiderate and assholish. I saw that and had a lot of anger for what it was obviously putting you through, and like I said, I didn't respond because I didn't want to stir up drama.

This said, having a venting place where you can scream and people will sympathize is probably going to do you, and your long-term mental health and relationship (speaking broadly, not romantic but friendship and shared parenthood) a lot more good than confronting her about it when everything's so raw.
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