So I saw J a while ago and we ended up discussing the email, and yeah, once again I find myself smacking my damn head because I realized that regardless of what I was feeling, I forgot to follow my own best practices and wait a bit and reflect before hitting send.
So what was wrong with it you ask? I should have simply stuck with stating how I felt and what I wanted/needed going forward from her, and left the explaining or "why" part out altogether. I always end up speculating on her motivations and saying things that I regret in retrospect. It's harmful and hurtful to her, and honestly, she has never needed it to do what I ask.
I often forget in the moment when I'm hurting that she's allowed to make mistakes as much as me and misjudging her and lashing out only reinforces a standard for her that I've never lived up to in her experiences with me. It's unfair and I often fail (like in this instance) to consider how I've been treated in similar circumstances, which if I'm going to be honest is far better.
Our situation is complicated and difficult enough as is, and my emotional volatility isn't helping anything. Looking back, it's easy to see now that I blew off self-care in favor of obsessing and wallowing in the pain. I probably wouldn't have sent the email had I waited until I'd calmed down and worked through things more before speaking to her. I have to do better in future if me and her are going to be able to maintain any sort of civil relationship.
I suppose the biggest reason I'm sitting here working this out is because this mistake cost me dearly. I was supposed to spend Mother's Day with her and the kids, and well, now I'm not. I had to explain to Ryver why I'm not going to be able to be there first thing in the morning to help her make breakfast for mommy and fuck, I felt like the shittiest person alive having to do it and let her down. I don't ever want to make that mistake again.