hey all 2 or 3 of you that read these posts of mine.
so life has (i believe) reached peak strangeness level. i live in a state of crippling levels of stress and yet keep going, inexplicably i don't want to die which is a good thing although baffling to me at this time.
I used to be a very sexual person, often bordering on and crossing inappropriate, and that was me for as long as i can remember. These days I don't think about sex much at all. I guess realizing, REALLY realizing and admitting to myself that I was molested will have some side effects. TBH i don't really miss the constant want for sex. it has simplified things in my life somewhat. It has the excellent side effect of removing a lot of my feelings of jealousy about J and M. That is VERY nice haha
Seriously though, it sucks to now see my entire sexual history in a different light now. I don't feel good about it at all any more. I feel gross. I feel like I allowed myself to be used like a plaything for more people than I can count. I feel used and dirty. I spent most of my life telling myself that it didn't matter. Apparently I'm a big fat lying liar. I'm not lying to myself any more about that.
I've been raped more than once (that I remember) as an adult. I was raped by a woman years ago. I never realized that until a few weeks ago. I never recognized it as rape. I was hanging out with this gal and fooled around a bit that day.... then i washed down 3 valium with a 6 pack that night and blacked out and the next morning my roomies are snickering and asking "how was the spandex enormity?" and a mutual friend of ours informs me that he walked in on my friend riding me and i know for a fact i was blacked right the fuck out at the time and it's hitting me that there is no fucking way i could consent to anything there and all these years i've been laughing it off like haha see? i can even fuck in my sleep! but i'm not laughing any more I feel disgusting.
so i haven't spoken to my dad in 4 years now. i just sent him a message a couple of weeks ago because i'd heard he's in really poor health now and yeah. this is what i said:
"Hi dad. I've wanted to talk for quite some time but hadn't yet because quite frankly I feel a great deal of resentments bordering on hate toward you still and much as I've missed you every day these past few years, I don't know how to look upon you and have you in my life when all I see is all the horrific mistakes you've made throughout my entire life.
That being said, the lack of an easy answer or any answer at all isn't enough of a reason to put off contacting you any more. I know your health has only worsened over the past few years and I don't want to have another parent die with everything unresolved if I can help it.
I didn't do this to punish you I did it to protect me. I hope you understand how hard it was for me to walk away from you. You are a great many things to me, but first and foremost you are my father and i love you and always have. If I could have stopped I would have because these last few years killed me inside.
If you're willing to talk and listen I hope in time we can be friends again."
He hasn't responded. I didn't expect he would.
I had a job again for almost 2 months and lost it already. I don't recall ever being so unwell in my life. That being said, yes it sucks horribly that I'm back to not making money again and i feel like shit about that BUT I do get to see my kids all the time again.
Also, this absence of interest in sex has made it possible for me and J to become really close friends again like we used to be. I can't understate how much of a support she has been for me as of late since the Really Bad Shit surfaced in therapy. I'm gobsmacked by how much I've been through in my life. I've been minimizing everything habitually going all the way back. I should be a fucking serial killer I no longer wonder why I've hated people so much in my life. Every single major figure in my life growing up abused me. My father terrorized us with his violence. My mother was controlling and grew increasingly violent until her death when i was 18. my mothers next relationship after my father was with a man who molested me and probably my sister too. my mother remarried when i was 11 or 12. that guy adopted me and my sister. after my mom died he decided he wanted to move on without us pretty much. he met another woman and we didn't find out until a year after our moms death cos his new gf tracked us down. he pretty well just moved on and left us behind. between my mom and both my dads any wonder i have panic inducing abandonment issues.
never mind all the trauma i've inflicted on myself with drugs and bad living and poor decision making. never mind being raped multiple times.
i'm just so tired from it all. carrying all this pain and rage. all the anger. all of it. it's made me violent and bitter and mean. i've hurt the people i love again and again and again. I can't do this any more.
i just want to be a peaceful little boy again.
Yesterday, me and J decided to limit all contact between us to just the kids. No more socializing or hanging out. Our friendship is over. I just said goodbye to the only friend I have in this town. I'm really not sure how I'm going to cope/deal going forward but I can tell you that I'm absolutely terrified.
I can't even wrap my head around the scope and depth of the hole she's leaving behind in my life. She's the first person I ever think of to tell anything to, she's been there every single day for over 11 years and I don't know how to do this without her.
I'm trying to keep my head on the kids, cos they are coming over today until sunday. I have meals to make, baths to give, games to play, butts to wipe, owwies to kiss, treats to give, no end of questions to answer. I can't be drowning in grief while doing all that.
I started putting things up on the walls of my room, a photo of Ryver when she was 2 or so, some pictures she drew, fathers day stuff she's made me. I think I'm going to end up covering the walls. I also put up the list of boundaries me and J wrote up yesterday together. Just so I don't forget, I don't ever want a repeat of the 17 texts I sent her over that damned movie. Never again.
So yesterday me and J talked a bunch and I learned a great deal about why M is so important/special to her that I didn't know and well, the major downside to all this new information is that I now know that a) I have never been as good a person as him and b) that I will never feel good enough for her again. I will never feel good enough for her again.
Needless to say, I'm terrified at the thought of the rest of my life now knowing that the only person I want to be with is no one I'll ever get to be with again because I'll never be good enough. Why would she want to settle for me when she's got someone better than I've ever been? Someone better than I could ever be. I'm shit. I'm insecure and abusive and shitty and mean and selfish, and broken and irresponsible and immature and care more about her than my own kids and care about all the wrong things and do everything wrong always cos i'm shit garbage filth a waste of air and space and i fucking hate me so fucking much i want to fucking die
It's mad day for me here. I'm pissed. I think I'm getting closer and closer to tearing her head off over the whole "making my relationship with M FB official barely a month and a half after we ended our 11 FUCKING YEAR RELATIONSHIP"
Only took a month or so. I usually bottle shit like this up and let it fester for SO much longer than this. I know for a fact that I basically gave her a pass on it because she had a great explanation and me being a doormat, i prioritized her feelings over mine and yeah. That's how it goes for me. Except I really don't feel like ignoring this any more.
IT WAS REALLY FUCKING SHITTY OF HER TO DO THAT. Either way she's shitty. Either she didn't think it through before doing it in terms of how it might/probably will impact me, or she did and decided to do it anyways. Either way she's shitty for it.
I was already drowning in grief and barely beginning to come to terms with the fact that we were over and she goes and publicly legitimizes a relationship that up until a month prior to her visit in april, she had been downplaying pretty well from the get go. Naturally it was a shock and in terms of impact, it took unbearable amounts of grief and added on constant jealousy and other shit on top of that. I can no longer function at all without compartmentalizing constantly and i'm sick of this shit.
Thing that makes this beyond difficult is that obviously I still love her, and want us to be friends if nothing else, and i don't know how to bring this to her. She won't take it well I don't imagine. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. Also, she does nice shit for me all the time and I've tried to focus on that and tell myself that it all balances out but the fact being is the stress that one decision she made added to my life is ridiculous. It's all the time. I'm constantly dealing with the impact. I don't know what to do. it's not like she can just nix the relationship status on fb it's too late for that. Also, I'm really hurt and mad because of that and well, I'm just not all that nice when I'm hurt and angry. So I don't want to have this convo with her because this'll be hard enough to bring to her without the fact that i don't trust i won't say shit wrong or that i regret after.
I hate my life so fucking much right now.
Advice folks? sabotabby
UGH LIFE IS HARD.
Sometimes there really isn't anything more to say about things.
So I saw J a while ago and we ended up discussing the email, and yeah, once again I find myself smacking my damn head because I realized that regardless of what I was feeling, I forgot to follow my own best practices and wait a bit and reflect before hitting send.
So what was wrong with it you ask? I should have simply stuck with stating how I felt and what I wanted/needed going forward from her, and left the explaining or "why" part out altogether. I always end up speculating on her motivations and saying things that I regret in retrospect. It's harmful and hurtful to her, and honestly, she has never needed it to do what I ask.
I often forget in the moment when I'm hurting that she's allowed to make mistakes as much as me and misjudging her and lashing out only reinforces a standard for her that I've never lived up to in her experiences with me. It's unfair and I often fail (like in this instance) to consider how I've been treated in similar circumstances, which if I'm going to be honest is far better.
Our situation is complicated and difficult enough as is, and my emotional volatility isn't helping anything. Looking back, it's easy to see now that I blew off self-care in favor of obsessing and wallowing in the pain. I probably wouldn't have sent the email had I waited until I'd calmed down and worked through things more before speaking to her. I have to do better in future if me and her are going to be able to maintain any sort of civil relationship.
I suppose the biggest reason I'm sitting here working this out is because this mistake cost me dearly. I was supposed to spend Mother's Day with her and the kids, and well, now I'm not. I had to explain to Ryver why I'm not going to be able to be there first thing in the morning to help her make breakfast for mommy and fuck, I felt like the shittiest person alive having to do it and let her down. I don't ever want to make that mistake again.
So my phone has been missing at J's place since last wednesday or so, and I finally had the service suspended after days of cleaning and searching. On the upside, I'll probably be replacing my phone which would be nice cos my BB is an old pos and yeah, I want to play Angry Birds like every other hipster douchebag in the world.
But holy fuck what a pain. Thanks to years of never calling anyone ever I don't know anyone's number any more barely, also leaving FB has really complicated how I'm going to reconnect with everyone I was talking with over text. I hate the term "first world problems" but I think this is exactly what that phrase is talking about. I really hate how dependent I am on gadgets to function. The things I own in all reality own me. Skynet didn't bother razing the sky, they sucked the world in with smartphones and used human foolishness to win the war without ever firing a shot.
Well, at least Koodo has options to put phones on a "tab" to be paid off monthly for cheap. I'm looking at a Samsung Galaxy S4, no money up front and it looks pretty good. I have no opinion on the Android/Iphone debate, both seem as good as one another, except Iphones are ridiculously expensive. I really can't fathom the idea of spending a months rent on a phone FFS.
Oh before I forget, can you block other users on LJ sabotabby
Random moments from my life lately:
Found myself listening to Mariah Carey with J a few days ago and BAWLING my head off cos I finally found the heartbreak at the sweet centre of those songs.... NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME LIKE YOU DO MARIAH I'M SO SORRY I MADE FUN OF YOU ALL THESE YEARS
Whatever happened to feeling sorry for yourself with Disintegration on repeat for hours on end?